Love Juice Glaciers
by fulfiller.of.wishes
Summary: The Dildo of Damnation, known throughout the ages as Deathstick, Hairy Twatter's Magic Wand, and Coochinator, has surfaced. Its owner will attain ultimate sexual power. Harry seeks it so he can get erect with Ginny ... not realizing his lust for Ron.
1. Chapter 1

Drip.

Drip.

Hermione lay in bed, her manacled hands fisted. Her back was arched, and lady's nectar oozed from her crevasse. She was utterly at his mercy; if only he would do something to take advantage of that!

Drip. The maddening sound of oil, evanescent, one minute a glittering drop descending from hair toward ground, the next a splatter on the stone of the dungeon floor. It was like the infernal ticking of a watch, only different.

"Severus," she whispered, in the sexy-whimper she'd practiced with Draco.

He didn't turn to face her. Drip. Drip. It was the sound of his abundant hair-grease as it rained from his head. He was turned away from her, caught in the gray sunlight creeping in through the gap between the window's gray shades. He was clad in washed-out underpants of the bikini variety.

One curled ass hair was poking out from under the faded fabric. That solitary hair was really starting to bother her even as it set her sex to roaring, but not as much as the jungle of his back --

Was that a white mite she saw skittering within his backhair? _No, no, let it be anything else ..._

"Severus!" She dropped the Little-Miss tone. Her arms' circulation was beginning to be cut off, and she was losing patience.

He turned on her, smiling to reveal gray teeth. "Yes, darling? My sweet?"

"Please, Severus, I'm aching for you ... finish what you started, and let me out of these damned shackles, next time _I_ want to be the master, and you're going to _wan_t to be the slave! Get down on your damn knees and beg me to let you be the slave, right now, you slimy man-bitch!"

"You're telling me not only what to do, but also what I _want_ to do?"

"That sounds about right."

At last, he turned about. Oily hair framed his gaunt features. His ribs protruded underneath his chest, and his abdomen was a shapeless mass. His happy-trail was crusted with dry sperm, and it faded into the nest of hair she knew waited underneath his tighty-whiteys. (_Tighty-gray ... ies?_ He dropped slowly, so slowly to his knees, and slunk forward in that positiow. His tongue was flicking in and out, in and out, and her juices were really pumping now. He came to the edge of the bed and extended his neck by degrees, so that now it was between he calves, now her knees.

The very tip of his tongue came into contact with her vulva. She moaned and did as much of a split as she could in her supine position, giving him all the room he needed. And all at once he was burrowing his head between her thighs, his tongue was forking into the pulsing swollen nub of her clit, and then it was wrapping all about the clit and he gave her a little nibble, such a light nibble which sent through her such a rippling of sensation that it bordered on and tehn entered the land of pain, and as he gripped her clit in his teeth she full-out screamed.

"Severus oh Severus oh Severus oh untie my hands let me ... force your head in ... I --"

Just as she teetered at the crepuscular edge of orgasm, he extricated his head from between her thighs. Fervent squeezing-together of her legs did nothing to stop him as he backed away from the bed again. He bent down so that all she could see of him was his ass. The rumpled fabric of his underwear clung to every individual ass-hair. Hermione began to be nauseated.

He stood fully erect, in more ways than one. In his hand was a corkscrew.

Her juices seemed to turn to ice as they trickled down her thighs. "Sev --" and she could say no more as she began to scream, as he --

"Ginny, you must admit that this is completely fabulicious!" Draco was beside himself, as usual. The cause of this current apoplexy was the pink hairband he had donned to hold back his flowing tresses of blonde hair. He was examining himself in the mirror, patting at his hair, fluttering his eyelids, and now giving a little twirl so that the lacy frock he was clad in would swirl.

_WTF?_ Ginny thought, the letters rather than the words themselves playing through her mind. She recognized her own Netspeak usage and admitted to herself that she'd been spending far too much time on the Yaoi Discussion Boards.

He stared at her archly. Archly; that was the way to describe it. Everything about him was arched; his eyebrows, his lips (_the full sensuous lipsticked lips tracing their way down her neck, all around her nipples, down past her vagina and all the way to the _other_ hole, the _forbidden_ hole_) ... she was losing her train of thought, the room was growing so hot, why wouldn't he take off his goddamned clothes and let her just look at him, let her admire every inch of his pale body with its light blonde hairs and its swollen enormous cock and its gorgeoeus, oh ... oh the gorgeous scrotum, she just wanted to take both balls in her mouth but he would never let her because he was a flamer to the core.

As was his dear lover, Professor Flitwick, who apparently was rather disproportionate in certain areas.

"Yeah, yeah ..." she said. She wanted to bring out the strap-on she'd hidden in her closet, the strap-on she usually reserved for her dalliances with Umbridge ... 'course, it was usually Umbridge who donned the dildo.

She knew he'd like it. If only he would let her ...

"Ahem. Were you paying any attention, hun? I was just talking about You-Know-Whom, God how I want to get inside his pants ..."

You-Know-Whom was Percy Weasley.

Ginny had to excuse herself to the bathroom; any mention of Percy made her nauseous.


	2. Chapter 2

The autopsy would have confirmed that it was post-death that the knife had been driven into the body again and again.

The autopsy would have confirmed that it was post-death that semen had crusted the hair and skin of the body.

The autopsy would have confirmed that said semen was not human.

The centaurs cavorted about the bloated, toad-like body they had felled. And then Bane emerged from the surrounding woods, cluthing in his hand a pulsing, whirring pink phallus of unparalleled power. The others, within seconds, forgot their cavortations and fell to their knees, fighting to be the first to pleasure him.

As the vacuum nozzle pressed against his ass, Harry was once again reminded of why magic wasn't better in _every_ case.

Heavily-lubed though the first vacuum had been, it had been of such an odd shape that he had never been able to get up. But this one, with its Mitachi Special Penetrator attachment which he had modified in his Magic Toolbox Chamber of Sexcrets so that it let suction go through -- this one felt good.

Harry also called his Chamber the Hairy Workroom. He dreamed of being thrown across the Ikea table and fucked with his own tools. Preferably Draco Malfoy would be the one shoving the tools up Harry's ass. Draco's spit would be the lubricant.

Or Ron Weasley.

No! It was Ginny that he loved! He was just a little curious, a little confused. A young boy like him

(you're seventeen years old! You entered puberty four years ago!)

was bound to occasionally fantasize, just for the purposes of exploration --

(_Ninety-five percent of your fantasies revolve around other guys!_)

Damnit. He craved penis. He wanted one in his mouth, thrust all the way in so he was choking on it, the pubic hair ticking his upper lip and nose. He wanted to smell it. He wanted to grip a penis in his hand and pump it until hot semen spewed all over his fingers, his palm, the back of his hand.

He pinched his nipples with one hand -- freshly doused in ice-water, so that his nipples jutted out -- as the vacuum sucked at his ass. The other hand eased the vacuum an inch or two into his ass, and then he began riding the Mitachi Penetrator while jerking off frantically.

He needed the Dildo of Damnation, or Ginny would find him out. She would realize why he always leaned forward to hug her, why he tried his hardest to see her only publicly, why he wore loose pants; she would realize that not once had he been erect in her presence, that he found her visually appealing but not sexually attractive.

And he couldn't do that.

He loathed gay culture. The shallowness, the bitchiness, the pettiness, the flamboyance. The idea of identifying as a flamer --

And if that happened, opportunities might present themselves for him to hook up with other guys, in real life. No longer would he be safe in fantasy.

He could imagine himself being sixty-five, and with a woman of the same age.

But the idea of being with a sixty-five year old man ...

Oh Jesus Christ!


	3. Chapter 3

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Giggly piggly boggly boo! I have a crossover, full of gay smut for you! Read it and touch your goodies, yes indeedy, for those love juice glaciers, are ever so needy!

Now, for a song.

I'll keep your secrets

I'll hold your ground

When we have gay sex in the night

I will never frown

--fin--

NOW ON TO THE STORY!!!!

And then, Harry's wand emitted a strange sparking redness, which encapsulated Radcliffe, and filled his manwomb with ladyspunk.

Ronald Radcliffe Weasley grinned cheerily. "Wot wot, pippin-mate! What art thee doing?"

"I am impregnating you with my manseed!" Harry said. But, he was not being honest. He was lying, as a matter of fact. Thus, he was a Don't-Be. Ron, being a Do-Be, giggled sternly.

"Harrison Bergeron Grint Potter, that is Not True (tm). You are a Lady Inside and thus you have ladyspunk."

"Indeed I do. Please forgive me, Charlie the Choo Choo. Don't make me ride on Blaine, he's such a pain, Roland is the gunslinger and that is the TRUTH, I was forced into prostitution and that is the TRUTH, I am Stephen King and my characters' dialogue is sometimes stilted and full of Maine-esque bits of unreality and that is the TRUTH, if it do ya fine."

Ron was impressed. Harry was talking through the lips of his boner. He kissed Grint's penis on the lips and then encapsulated the goldmember in his mouth, biting with his teeth. Harry, squelching fastidiously, said, "Yes, please!"

HOWEVER. There was a time VORtex off to the east! Onward and upward, Kyo emerged from the stable. Yuki pounded him anally while Kyo, naked, stood in the dormitory of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Satanry. Ron, who was busy buggering Harry, did not notice. (a/n: duh, you would be too if you were buggering)

Draco Malfoy was suddenly there because I (the author) desired for him to have sex with Kyo. Oh God, how I desire that! Draco's dick was throbbing under a corona of blonde pubic hair. He strode forward, the muscles in his thighs working, and tapped Yuki on the back. When that didn't work, he punched the woman-voiced (a/n: if you're watching dubbed Fruits Basket, then maybe this doesn't hold true for you ... but holla at me, fellow subbed-watchers!!!) motherfucker in the face. Then he hugged him, tears streaming down his serpentine face, cuz he was GOOD AT HEART AND HERMIONE KNEW SHE COULD CHANGE HIM IF SHE STUCK WITH HIM AND LET HIM ABUSE HER COOCHILY CUZ SHE LUUURVED HIM AND

lurve shall

conquer

aaall.

see it rising

stare in wonder

here it beckon

you to dance

feel it hold you

take you under

i'm your god

of second chance

second chance

second chance

second chance

domine

domine

domine

domine

domine

domineo

domineo

domineo

domineo

domineo

domineo

domineo

dum dum DUM dum dum DUM dum DUm dum dum DUM bunch more dums I can't quite translate I, PhilyraHD, am masturbating to Trans-Siberian Orchestra and fantasies of contentment

Neville Longbottom is one bad-assed motherfucker. Sing it, sista!

NEXT UP: Sex between Kyo and Draco. Hell, _yes_. But, you'll have to wait for Chapter Four.

NOTE: song used BY PERMISSION

(of Sex Addicts Anonymous, Inc., an organization founded by PhilyraHD)


	4. Chapter 4

The Dildo of Damnation works in mysterious ways, sez Philyra. And because she be the author, she be always correct.

It decided to end the story.

--fin--

(there may be a sequel)


End file.
